What has 2011 brought into my life? By worldly standards I have a "right" to say this year has been horrible. I've "earned the right" to feel abandoned, betrayed, hatred, bitterness, self-righteous, vengeful, hurt, and so on. And the events of my life these past 19 months have brought me through many of those feelings. I've been hurt very deeply. Things hurt inside that I never knew existed, in a way that I never knew was possible. The literal ripping apart of my life could have robbed me of my life. I don't know if I can say that I have had even one easy day this year.
But I have the gift of being a child of God. And that means that I do not use those other words to describe 2011. Instead, some of the words I use are: joy, freedom, blessings, peace & comfort.
I have learned that all I need is God. He is my redeemer, my defender, my supplier, my refuge, my strength, my unfailing, ever faithful Savior. God has lovingly torn away everything in my life that was above Him. Leaving me broken, ashamed and desperate for the only thing that can give true life - God himself. I went down paths that were desperate attempts to maintain control of something, anything. I have wrestled with God over big things and little things and everything in between. I have always considered myself a Christian. I have always believed in God. But this year I learned what it really means to know God instead of just knowing about God. God called me into a genuine relationship with Him and there could never be a greater gift. There is a huge difference between knowing about God and being a follower of the One True God. It's a difference that you don't realize until you've experienced it. People who don't know it, don't get it. Once you truly submit your life to God and His will, your life will change in dramatic ways. It is the process of God making all things new.
I love my husband dearly and I desire to have a loving relationship and marriage with him, as God intended, with HIM as the foundation. But God has set me free! I am free from needing any man to make me ok. No man can determine my worth, my love, nor define me in any way. I am defined by God alone. I am made whole in God alone. I am finally free to love my husband as God intended. If God's plan includes raising my marriage from the dead and restoring it to His glory, I will remain free from the bondage and receiving the blessing that can come from the Almighty God alone.
God has showered me with blessings and answered prayers. Everywhere I look I see an answer to prayer. I am 100% dependent on God for everything in my life. I literally live day to day not knowing how things might go. But I am confident in God's faithfulness. He has transformed me to live Ps. 112:6-8 "For the righteousness will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries." I have absolutely no idea what 2012 will bring for me and my family. I have no clue what will happen. But I'm not afraid. I am at peace because I have God's comfort. I can be certain it won't be easy, but it will be glorifying to God. God will carry me. God is faithful. God will provide. God will be my strength.
I am finally finding joy because God is joy. Rejoice! Rejoice! And through it all, The Lord has been so good to me!