There are just a couple of things that I would love to take the opportunity to clear some confusion on, so here we go...also, none of this is meant to offend or "take anyone on", it's just my thoughts. If I had a personal issue with anyone in particular, I would address it one on one with them.
1. When I write on this blog, my purpose is to share my journey. I have no bad intentions towards anyone, most of all, not towards my husband. God has me on an amazing journey and I believe that sharing the truthfulness of my journey and my circumstances are part of the deal! I by no means pour out my everything in my heart & soul on this blog. I try to keep it to the things that I am learning and ways that I am growing. If my thoughts, perceptions, decisions make you roll your eyes, make you think I'm crazy or in denial, or weird you out - that is between you and God, not between you and me. I'm living on Rev. 12:11 "And they have conquered him by the blood of the lamb and by the WORD OF THEIR TESTIMONY". This blog reflects my testimony and I am not ashamed of the power of the gospel in my life. Satan get behind me because I will declare His good work in me for all to hear and see! What you take from reading it, is up to God.
2. Jon and I are not divorced. We are not in the process of a divorce, there is no legal separation. There is absolutely no paperwork that is in the works. While Jon is choosing to not live in a way that honors our vows, we are very much married, not only in the eyes of legal laws, but most importantly, in the eyes of God. I do not need "closure". I don't want closure as the world sees it, I want my husband back and I intend to stay married to him for life, that was my vow and I plan to keep my end of the promise. While I can not control Jon's choices, or predict what God might have planned, I am 100% seeking His will in my life. And as long as He has called me to be married to Jon, I will be. That is my decision that I have made. I did not make that choice based on feelings, on hurts, on a need to control, on the world's opinions or perceptions or on input from friends & family. I made that decision based on God's word alone. I am doing what the Bible asks of me and what God has called me to do. We don't exist to be happy in life, or to have an easy comfortable life. We exist to bring glory to God by seeking His will and living to honor His ways, not the ways of the world - no matter what the circumstances. This has not been an easy decision. I would say that a large portion of people in my life do not agree with my decision in this, but I made it based on what was right for me, according to God, and I am content in it. Being a follower of God does not mean I live a happy life, it means I live a life where I am completely dependent on Him and that means out of love for me, He will perfect my faith in Him. I believe that God is powerful and I have faith that He alone has the power to restore my marriage to be everything He created marriage to be. He alone can do it because in Him, nothing is impossible. And if it is His will, nothing will stand in His way.
3. I am not responsible for Jon's choices. I do not blame myself for anything Jon has chosen to do. Jon's choices to commit adultery and leave his family are on him alone. That being said, I do take responsibility for my own sins and areas I needed to turn over to God. I was depending on Jon to save me from myself and years of hurt and shame that extended to before I even knew Jon. God has not saved me from a cheating husband, instead, he used a cheating husband to save me from myself! Praise God! And if I did not open myself and my heart up to God's saving power in the situation, then I never would have gotten out of it what God intended it for. What would be the point of going through the pain if I didn't allow for the good to shine through? That is how God uses what Satan intended for evil to reveal His glory! Asking God to come in and reveal all my idols and sins to me so that I can allow Him to change me, is not the same thing as blaming it all on myself. And that life-saving truth is exactly what Jon is running from. I am a different person. I am now God's child, I am defined by Him alone. I am free from the bondage that held me for so many years. Being freed has allowed me to finally love my husband as God has called me to. It is finally a true, pure love because it is based on God's love.
So there you go, that's what I wanted to say. I love my husband, I want my husband back in every since of the word and I believe that the Almighty God will remain faithful to His promises to me in every way. Go ahead and think I'm crazy if you want, but God IS powerful and I have faith in His power to do miracles. And Jon coming home would be nothing short of a miracle and there would be no denying that ALL GLORY would be given to God alone.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
On Sunday we went with friends to the Marshfield Zoo. It's always a fun trip and Ms. Grizz was out! In all my times there, I'm not sure she's ever been out, but she was on Sunday.
This is Chloe, Chloe Kapitz, when you ask her to smile. And every day, she now wants me to make her hairy curly. She also got to join us in church on Sunday for the songs because she's almost three and only has a few weeks left to go to the nursery, so it's transition time. I just can't believe she's that old already!
We made it into Dairy Queen right before it started to pour outside. I think the girls have a head tilt thing going on.
We are busy with t-ball, soccer, kindergarten graduation, and preparing for a week at summer camp, day camp, sleepovers, Toby Mac at Lifest, swimming lessons, a vacation that may include some Casting Crowns and Sanctus Real and the Omaha Zoo (pray for me on that trip if it happens!) Life is going on for us. Obviously there is a huge hole in our lives, but we are trusting God, our heavenly father, to fill that hole for us. And because Matthew 24:36 tells us "that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only", my family and I will live as "now as the day of salvation" 2 Cor. 6:2. It could be in the next minute, the next day, or in 100 years or more, but Christ will return and those who are not his children will face his very real judgement. Don't wait for tomorrow to get right with God. It may be too late. As a little plug (sorry PBW ) James MacDonald has an awesome series on Revelation on Walk in the Word and the last 2 days were about Making the Gospel Your Own. Google it and listen to it, the difference could be your very life. (And then tell PBW that he is your favorite preacher so that this doesn't effect my yearly review :) )
Monday, May 9, 2011
A few Sundays ago, Pastor Tim asked me to share my testimony & story in front of the Sunday school class. I prayed about it, and decided to do it. I debated putting it on here, but after praying about it, I've decided to take the plunge and post here what I shared. Confessing and proclaiming God's goodness is for his glory. What I wrote in my part of God's story is based on Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." And with the video, I am waiting for God, I am not waiting for Jon. And while I'm waiting - I will serve you. And while I'm waiting - I WILL WORSHIP YOU! I pray you are blessed.
God makes a lot of promises. Just a few are that he promises to always be with us, that he is always working for our good, that nothing can separate us from his love, that he is sovereign and in control, that trials are good for our faith, that he is good, that he is enough, and that he is faithful. When everything is going smooth in life, it’s easy to hold to our confession of these promises, it’s easy to find joy & hope in God. Then a trial comes and it becomes more difficult. Sometimes God’s answers come and it’s just what we prayed for. It is a miraculous testimony of how were used in God’s story. But what about when God isn’t answering our prayers how want him to?
As some of you know, I have had a very trying year. In August, I learned of my husband’s months of betrayal. In September, he chose to abandon me and our 3 young children. I have watched Jon allow Satan to wreck complete havoc in his life, to the point where I no long recognize who he is. And sometimes I just don’t understand why a good God would let this happen. When I spend hours on my knees, night after night, pleading and crying out to God to step in and make this right. To bring my husband home, not only to our family, but home to the feet of Jesus. When so many other people are praying for the same thing. Why is his answer – No? I start to waver because I take my eyes off of my heavenly father. I start to feel the waves of…what about our kids – I was never meant to be a single mom. What about our finances – where are we going to live? What about my future – am I going to be alone of the rest of my life? How am I suppose to breathe when this pain is so deep, will it ever go away? This isn’t the deal God! This wasn’t suppose to be my life! I look around and all that’s left of everything I’ve known are little pieces that I’m trying to hold together on my own. Where is God when I need him? How could this possibly be God’s mercy? But then God and his promises come back into focus and I stop sinking. I’m not suppose to hold this together on my own. When I am weak, he is strong. It is a rough and painful journey that I am on. Some days seem impossible to get through. But God literally picks me up off from the floor and carries me through them.
I’ve had to learn to let control go and ask God to do his good work in me. To open my heart to his, sometimes not so gentle prompting, to face the idols and sin my own life at a time when that seems so unfair! To break down walls to believe that he could be faithful when it seems I’m drowning in so much unfaithfulness. To begin to be truly free. By God’s grace alone, I am able to stand here today and confess that yes, God is good. God is faithful to his promises. His goodness shines through the love and support from so many people here at FBC, and many more beyond these walls. His goodness shines through the faith of my children which is growing by leaps and bounds. His goodness shows in that he loves me enough to burn away everything in my life that is not of him. I look back at myself one year, even 6 months ago, and I realize how far God has brought me in my relationship with him, and I wouldn’t go back for anything. The deal is that God makes me new, and he has come through.
I do not know how my part in God’s story will end. While I pray for it, I do not know if it is God’s will for my marriage to Jon to be restored, or if he will ever repent of his sins and turn to God. But regardless of the outcome, God’s will, will be done. And I do know that God is working for my good, that his glory will shine through what Satan intended for evil. That God is with me and he isn’t letting go. That by God’s grace I have been redeemed and I have already been made new. That I am loved and cherished as his child. That he truly is enough. While staring into the life I never planned, I hold fast to my confession that God is my only hope; for he who promised is always faithful.