"If God is sovereign, then he is in control of all the details of my life. If he is loving, then he is going to be shaping the details of my life for my good. If he is all-wise, then he's not going to do everything I want because I don't know what I need. If he is patient, then he is going to take time to do all this. When we put all these things together-God's sovereignty, love, wisdom & patience- we have a divine story." from A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller
Anyone who has ever taken the time to talk to me throughout my journey knows how far I've come. I have learned to give up control and accept with my whole heart everything in that quote. I believe it. I am no where near the same person that I was. I was a bad wife, a messed up person, a horrible sinner because I didn't obey and submit to God. My life seemed normal to pretty much everyone around me. Behind closed doors, my life was a mess. I didn't trust God. I didn't believe he was loving or wise. I was in complete control of everything around me. I knew what I needed a whole lot more than God knew. I deserved to be happy because that's what God wants for us all - to live happy lives.
God doesn't want us to live happy lives. God wants us to live holy lives. This is not to imply that God doesn't want us to be happy. In fact, God faithfully bestows amazing blessings to His children. He even commands us to be joyful in all circumstances. God IS joy and happiness. I'm talking about a wordly sense. To keep in perspective of why He created us - for HIS glory, not for us to find happiness outside of Him. Looking back, my life wasn't happy and it sure wasn't holy. Do you know the only reason that I can look back and see that - because God saved me from it. He grabbed a hold of me, he opened my eyes and he freed me from it! God is so merciful and gracious that it makes me cry just thinking about it. He has so much more for my life than to live short of being the woman He created me to be! I was going to go through life never living the good life. I was missing out! Make no mistake about it. I'm no wounded bird crying in the corner. I am flying on eagles wings! "You yourselves have seen what I did to the Egyptians & how I bore you on eagles' wings & brought you to myself" Isaiah 19:4 No man can deny or steal the glory of God's life-saving work. God had mercy on me and revealed my desperate need for a savior and he brought me to him. That is God at work.
God works everything for HIS glory, not for my happiness. He is in complete control and HIS will be done. I have been called to trust in Jesus. And that is exactly what I am doing. I have given up control of my life. I have accepted that nothing happens that He doesn't allow so that He can use it for His glory. Even when it makes no sense to me. Even when others don't agree with me. I don't make decisions out of fear anymore. I make them after waiting at the feet of Jesus for His direction and leading.
Don't ever doubt for a second that I've given up on my marriage & my family. I have given up on MY ability to do it, on MY ability to save it. That's never going to work. I've submitted my life & the people in it, to God's authority and God's plan & God's timing. I'm fighting for it in the only way that I can...on my knees before the life-saving, life-changing, miracle-working Heavenly Father. I've turned it over to God and I am remaining on my knees for everything that matters to me on this earth. As a paraphrasing quote from Beth Moore says, "girlfriend, get on your knees and let God take it on. You just have to duck because one day He is coming!" or "You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, & see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf" 2 Chronicles 20:17a. I need a miracle, and I'm asking God for one. My hope is in the Father, the only one capable of performing miracles, and trust me, He performs them every day. I'm living proof of that.
By God's grace I'm standing firm and letting Him fight this battle with the ones that need to be fought with. And God is sovereign, God is loving, God is wise and God is patient. God is very much working at weaving together a divine story. I'm finally aware to the truth that it is God's story. And that, is God at work.