Amazing Grace

"Kari, you are ready, because you will never be ready" ...wise words spoken by a dear friend

My journey has had me all over the place lately.  I can go from confident and unwavering to crushed and crying quite quickly.  We are hitting lots of "anniversary" dates that make the days really hard as I remember back "one year ago today..."  I feel like I'm looking at when the string holding my life together started unraveling and it's still pulling one year later.  And that makes for some hard days.  I am so ready for my husband to come home, and it is hard to understand why it's not happening.  So God has put me on a hard, eye-opening journey.  One that I am still on and a lot of things I am still struggling with, but God is mercifully leading me through.

As many of you know, I am a doer.  Tell me what I need to do to fix it, and I will do it.  I so badly want to be able to do something - anything - in this situation!  I am stuck in this rut that I think so many people are.  If I can accomplish X, Y and Z, then that will be enough for God to bless me with what I want.  God must be holding back because because what I'm doing is not enough, I'm not good enough yet.  God just show me what I can do to be good enough for you to bring him home!  God is this punishment for my own mistakes?  Am I now reaping what I sowed years ago?  "That sin was so bad, it's the one that caused this whole thing.  It was the first domino and now I've caused all this, so I've got to make up for it!"  God, you have brought me so far.  Jon has a brand new wife, one that has learned and grown more in this past year than in my entire life!  Just bring him home and then I can "do" and "prove" it to Jon and then everything will be ok. This whole paragraph - it's all lies straight from the pit of hell.  It's all Satan's constant attack on me by whispering the lies over and over, playing the strings of one of my weaknesses: control.  But God is stronger than Satan and is opening my eyes to the lies and replacing it with His truth.  I am learning about GRACE.

I can never do enough to convince God to bring Jon home.  I can never earn my salvation, I can never do enough works.  On an intellectual level, I totally get that and can agree.  But if I'm going to face reality, that's not how I live out my life.  I am constantly trying to earn my salvation and what I feel I "deserve" for earning enough good points in my God bucket.  My sinful pride stops me from being humble to accept the free gift of salvation and redemption that God has for me (it's also for you by the way).  I feel the need to earn it because I know I don't deserve it.  Ephesians 2: 8-9 "For by GRACE you have been saved through faith.  And this is not of your own doing; it is the GIFT OF GOD, not a result of works, so that no one may boast".  I have read that verse so many times, but I never let it sink into the very depths of heart and soul.  What is Grace?  Grace is unmerited, undeserved favor.  It is not my commitment to God that saves me, it is God's commitment to me to that saves me.  It's God's gift and that's why I can't earn it (otherwise it's a payment not a gift), it has nothing to do with me, me, me!  It has everything to do with God! (FYI Grace by Bob Lenz is a great book).  God has showered me with grace, I don't deserve it but He gives it anyway and I need to remember to sit back and accept it.  If I "earn" Jon coming home, then it's a result of my good works and growing that brought him home (me, me, me).  Yeah, Kari, that's not how God works.  When Jon comes home, it will be obvious that it is the result of the one true God bestowing the saving gift of grace on Jon that only He can give.  TRUTH: I CAN NOT - AND WILL NOT - SAVE MY HUSBAND OR MY MARRIAGE.  TRUTH: GOD CAN.  So by God's grace I will continue to grow and follow the path that He leads me down.  My marriage and my husband are in God's hands alone, I hereby officially and publicly leave them at the feet of Jesus.  I do not understand what God is doing, and I do not know what His time line is.  But I know He is in control of everything that happens.  My journey is between me and God.  Jon's journey is between him and God.  I pray for the day that our journeys join back together and we are a living testimony of God's power, glory and GRACE.