Afraid of Hope

Have you ever wanted anything so badly that you can't imagine not wanting it?
Yep I do.
Have you ever needed allow yourself to be vulnerable to more hurt in order to keep wanting it?
Ugh, yes!
And then start to wonder why in the world you want it anymore?!
All the time.
Do you ever beg God to give you something, anything, to let you know if you are still in submission to His will?
More than I should.
And then He answers, what is your response?
Um, fear.
What?!?!?  Yes, I've learned this week that I am afraid of having hope. 
I spent the weekend begging God to give me a reason to keep on keeping on.  I see nothing, am I crazy?  Why am I standing firm for my marriage anymore? 

God answered me.  His precious presence answered a long standing prayer.  And while it is not a full answer to everything, to me, it is something that spoke directly to my heart straight from my Father - in a direct response to what I asked Him. It may be small, and others may argue that it was nothing.  But to me, it was answered prayer which makes it huge.  And I thank God for his answer!  It spoke loud and clear that God can do anything He wants and at any time, it can happen.  My God is able and my God is Big!
Satan is actively trying to steal and distort my hope and trying to prevent me from giving God the glory for answered prayers.  I want it so bad, but I'm afraid to really have any hope.  Why? Because I'm tempted to keep hoping in something, or someone, other than God alone.  I've been let down before.  I try to manipulate and control.  I've read into things before that were not facing reality.  Hoping means I could end up hurting even more and I don't want to hurt anymore.  It even took me a while to be able to name that as my response. 
I've been so afraid to hope.  Mark 4:40 "He said to them, Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" 
I confess my sins of unbelief and little faith.  Mark 9:24b "I believe; help my unbelief!"
Because of God's work in me...satan has lost this battle.  My God is victorious! I claim my victory over this as God's child.  I do have hope because my hope is in God, not in people or circumstances.  I'm clinging to Jesus. I'm rejoicing in the answered prayer. I continue to pray and leave it all in God's hands.  What God does with it, is God's story.  And I am resting in the casting of that burden.
A dear friend texted me some of these verses, and it hit home for me... Lamentations 3:21-26
"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him;
The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord"

Father, I'm waiting and hoping in You alone.  You Lord are able.  You Lord are doing work that I can't see.  Thank you for allowing me see my sin of unbelief and misplaced hope and for giving me the grace to turn from it.  Please give me the grace to sit here in this place of hoping in You as the only way.  You are not good just because of what You are able to give me, but because of who You are. Give me strength to stand.  In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.

Friends, keep standing.  Allow yourself to hope in Him.  To God be the glory.
Kari