Letting Go of What?

My awesome sister-in-law gave me a cd for Christmas that I love.  It is Matt Hammitt Every Falling Tear and the whole cd makes me cry, but I love it.  At the end of this post is the "video" of the song Let Go.  You will be blessed by just sitting back and listening to it.

As many of you know, I am on a hard journey. Some days by God's grace I am very strong.  But it would be deceiving for you to think that I have it all together.  God IS good, which is why I can be broken before Him.  I have been wronged.  I have been sinned against.  I am rightfully hurt.  Other people have chosen to cause hurt to me and my family and are able to justify it to themselves because they are so blind to the truth.  Some days I pray that God would have mercy on them, and other days I want lightening to plain old strike them down.  Oh, sins will be revealed and truth shall prevail, praise God for that!  But that doesn't take away the hurt.  It doesn't take away my kids & I crying together and the reality of pain & confusion that exists.  It doesn't make it ok.  Some days all I can do is cry in fear & hurt, some days I am so incredibly angry, some days I'm numb, and other days I cry while resting in His arms.  Which leaves one thing left to do.  Let Go.

Let go of what?  That's my question.  Do I let go of my marriage as in give up on it?  No, that's not what God is asking me to do.  Continuing to pray for a restored marriage with the man God created my husband to be is a good thing.  I've let go along the way of ways that I can fix it on my own, so that's not it; although that is an ongoing process!  The frustrated feeling of just wanting to know what I'm suppose to let go of is too much to take some days!  Do know how many times I've cried out "God just tell me already!  I'll do whatever you want, just tell me!"?  As many have pointed out, my blogging has almost taken on a sense of being prophetic. (Don't get all worked up.  I'm not claiming to be a prophet or anything).   When I blog something, within days, God makes me live out that my words are not just words, but truly the way I want to live.  So even knowing that risk, I think I have my answer.

I need to truly let go of me & my plan.  What I thought my life would be and how I think my life should be.  I can't just let go of trying to fix things to fit my plan, I need to give up the whole plan all together!  Guess what, what those people did to me was, and is, pure evil.  It is the work of Satan in this fallen world.  It messed up my plan for me and my kids & my life.  There is a huge wake of hurt and consequences everywhere.  But the glory of God is that he takes what Satan intended for evil and uses it for my good!  But if I keep holding on to my stuff, I can't get to the good!  And this song speaks to that.  God knows so much more than I know.  He knows the big picture, he can see whole quilt not just my one patch.  He knows what I don't, because he knows everything about the past, present and the future.  He knows every thought and every action and every everything.  I'm not meant to know it but because I am a child of God I can rest on His promises to use it for my good.  I can trust Him.  While I hate everything about this whole situation, I have to trust that God is laying protection around me.  He is using more evil actions & sin to protect me & my kids from whatever is coming down the pipe in the future.  And I have no idea what that is, but I can confidently say that for me & my kids, it will be good.  Our suffering will not be for nothing.  And I can't let go all on my own, that is only by God's grace. 

Father, please help me to let go of me.  To stop being so self-righteous, arrogant & proud that I actually think I know better than you of what is good for my life. Give me faith to let go and surrender to your ways for your arms are the ones I want to be in.  I do have more questions than answers right now.  But what I really need impressed upon my heart is that You Father are good, and faithful, and strong, and right and able.  I can let go because you are  - who you are.

Don't forget to watch the video!